Dynamo Diabolical 5-36 MMU Cambridge Halls

A lack of effort is the worst way to lose a game. And that's why we lost tonight. Two players didn't show up - one because he fell asleep at seven fucking pm, and the other because he took too long to get home. We were left with five players and no goalkeeper. Ed, Nick, Dan, Jamie and me took to the field hoping for our best performance yet, although that was incredibly confident. The team we were playing were a student side representing their halls, and also only had five players.

We started badly, with Jamie in goal, conceding almost immediately after Ed failed to receive a pass. The ball was slotted past him easily. Then Ed had his stint in goal, but ran out of the area to pick up the ball, for which the referee awarded MMU Halls a penalty. I disputed this on the grounds of basic logic, but he told me the rules were simple and that it was clearly a pen. Dan went in net and let the ball in. Then we ran upfield, missed, and MMU Halls countered. We conceded. After that we got our first goal. Nick and I linked up to get the ball to the edge of the area. I passed back to Jamie and his shot flew in off my shin. After that we had the period where the game was quite even, although I'm not sure why seeing as we were utter shit. Each of us had our turn in goal, and no one made a save. Jamie scored the world's most painful own goal, trying a backpass to Dan, but not realising that he was on completely the other side of the net. It rolled in slowly and my brain dribbled out of my ears. Dan and Jamie got another goal each, and soon it was 10-3, with every Dynamo player having had two turns in goal. Each and every one of us was useless. We needed Richard back. I scored a scrappy goal, but they got five more, so we went in at half time 15-4 down. Just before half time the ref threatened to send me off, after I flew in with a near-pointless slide tackle on the edge of the area. It was pointless because despite deflecting the shot, they scored the free kick. This was disgraceful.

I decided to go in goal for the second half, because my temper was taking me and I'd have been sent off otherwise. However, I was utter bollocks. Made a few saves, but conceded about ten before going back outfield. In that time we didn't score once. We barely had a shot. Ed went in goal and was promptly nutmegged twice. Jamie took over. We conceded one more straight away. At this point no one on our team was moving, everyone was failing to control the ball, and we couldn't string more than about half a pass together.

However, we had a stroke of luck and Dan scored again, although I can't really remember how. I just remember walking back muttering expressions of relief that we'd scored in the second half. It was all downhill from there and they ran rings around us, scoring at will, even managing to nutmeg Ed with a backheel at one point.

I think this match is the only one I've walked away from genuinely annoyed. There was no passion, no grit, no determination. Nothing that a good English lad should thrive on. No movement, never. Half the time, on taking kick off, I'd look round and see players standing in front of each other.

We need some new players. Desperately.

Dynamo Diabolical 4-22 FC Spire

This game probably had the most disastrous build up possible. When I got the call telling me of the fixture last Friday the guy on the other end said that this would probably be a slightly easier game for us, and not to worry about letting in hundreds of goals again. I texted around telling the rest of the team this news, and also asked them to let me know if they wouldn't be available. That proved to be our undoing.

In fairness to Dan, he got back immediately saying that there was no way he could do a 6pm kick off because he was off to Man City vs Arsenal. Okay, no worries I thought, no one else had said they weren't going to be there. However, this morning on my way back from Bristol I got contact from Tom and Jamie saying they couldn't make it, and Manny was too hungover/ill/"I can't breathe". We were down to Nick, Richard and myself. The Nick who played last week couldn't make it, nor could the first six or seven people I asked. Then Jim, a mate who was over from Belfast for the weekend offered his services. Excellent. We only needed to lump one more body into the mixer. I didn't find that body until 4.58pm though, and he came in the unlikely form of my Xboxing housemate Ed. Neither Ed or Jim had played 5-a-side to my knowledge, but still, we had a team!

Before the game we began to boot a ball about a bit and it was clear we were weaker than ever before. Damn. So much for playing an easier team.

The first half was okay though. In fact, looking back on it, it's probably the best 22 minutes of football Dynamo Diabolical has ever played. We were only 3-1 down after ten minutes, Nick having scored a consolation after we let in two dreadful goals. Ed responds well to being yelled at though, so whenever I left defence I could bellow at him to get to his left or right, and the other team wasn't very good whenever they weren't allowed to run in a straight line. For a while, this tactic held on. Then we went 4-1 down, but struck back immediately as Nick and I played a one-two, and I hit in the rebound on his shot. We clung on to that for a while too, before Ed said to me he was feeling a bit tired and might not be able to carry on. He wasn't joking - the shouts stopped having as much of an effect and we went 7-2 down mainly through their pacy winger. They had one bloke in a Liverpool training top who refused petulantly to wear his bib, and kept doing tricks which involved bending his knees a lot and losing the ball. Because of this, he lost the ball in defence, Nick shot, it pinged off all their defenders, fell onto my chest (giving the impression of excellent close control) and I then slid in a third. But they ran down to score another before half time. Considering the makeshift nature of our team we weren't doing at all badly. 8-3.

The second half was shit though. Really shit. Nick's hamstring went, Ed's tiredness got the better of him, and Jim had more difficulty getting into the game. All I did was chase the ball around like a headless chicken, occasionally booting someone's shin. We conceded silly goal after silly goal as any pass at all split our defence horribly. Richard pulled off a hell of a lot of blocks in this second period but as often as there was someone to mop up the damage there was someone to whack the rebound into an open goal. One particularly painful rebound trickled in as Richard watched on like a sloth surprised by its own limbs. Apparently we got a goal in this half, but I don't remember it. Nick was the scorer, before I had one disallowed for apparently being in the area. I dispute this bitterly and intend to release a statement about the referee. He kept allowing play to go on before the whistle, routinely ignored high balls and whatnot and forgot the score a few times. (Well, he kept track of our goals, but I think he made up the 22 for FC Spire. I only counted 17.)

Not that bad though for a skeleton team. Not really.

FC Gyro 24-2 Dynamo Diabolical

Since I got the call telling us we were up against FC Gyro, I'd been desperately hoping that either there were two FC Gyros, that I'd misheard the bloke on the phone, or that this was a cup match. There was surely no way this team were in our league. Add to this the fact that we'd had two players drop out of the match (Manny due to absurdly high alcohol intake over the last three weeks. We worked out he's been sober about four or five days in that time period. Dan because he didn't realise there was a match on). This was worrying. We'd have no subs. Then I got in last night and had a large amount of reheated soy sauce for some inexplicable reason, so I woke up feeling like death.

Anyway, we got to the match and managed to rope another guy in - a mate called Nick W, who played in jeans and inappropriate footwear.

We rolled up a little early with our six players and watched the team who'd beaten us last week beat another team, which is quite promising. Maybe we'll do alright against that lot later in the year. On the pitch the game kicked off with Richard in goal, myself at centre back, Nick D at right back, Tom in centre mid and Jamie at left back. Parking the damn bus. We even managed not to concede for about three minutes this time. Then a couple of us had shots before I steered a goal in expertly. Past my own keeper. 2-0. I think Nick D then scored for us to be only 2-1 down before we put in our only spell of sustained pressure, although it didn't lead to a great deal. They scored a few more and we subbed Nick D off for Nick W. This was where we fell apart a little, and as well as conceded seven goals before half time we managed to give away a fair few free kicks and continuously took our centre before the referee had whistled.

Speaking of the referee, he found us hilarious. Kept muttering things like "oh, that's one for youtube" and "why do this lot bother?" Both fair remarks. I went off and sat out the second half as I felt horrible. We went 12-1 down before scoring our second and then didn't do anything else for the rest of the game. Well, there were a few shots here and there but their keeper was competent so nothing went close to the back of the net. By the end of the game we were all in our own half and their goalie was just chatting to the subs at the side. Slightly embarrassing.

Anyway, on the plus side it's slightly better than 40-5, but we didn't get it together up front at all today. Never mind. I'm sure we won't be losing by this amount again.

Next match and a training ground bust up?

I got a call this morning to inform us of our next match. We're going to be playing FC Gyro at 8pm on Sunday. This is the team that beat us by thirty five goals in our friendly. How on earth can this be?! They can't be in our league. Perhaps it's a cup match... I texted people and got a variety of negative responses.

Upon the press publishing of the weekend's fixtures the following article appeared this morning in the Diabolical Gazette:

"Rumours are abound regarding the future of Nick Daunt at league newcomers Dynamo Diabolical. Sources close to Daunt, who has played two games for his new club since joining on a free minutes before the transfer deadline, talk of a reported bust up between him and Dynamo's captain/manager/chairman Michael Leversha."

In a reactionary press release, club spokesman Michael Leversha was quick to deny the allegations. "Whilst it is true that Nick and myself have had a falling out, the situation is expected to be resolved by this evening. All that happened was that, upon discovering that our next match is against FC Gyro, Nick texted to say that he'd be taking the evening off on Sunday to 'wash my hair'. I deemed this inappropriate, and Nick accepted his punishment of two weeks' wages without argument."

The fine is expected to be in the region of fifty pence, although cynics have suggested it will actually be less than that, by as much as fifty pence.

Dynamo Diabolical 10-18 FC Eagle Knight Megasharks

I'll begin before the match. I woke up bright and early to prepare for the game by playing some cut-throat games of Fifa 11, the highlight being a 3-0 away win against Sheffield Wednesday. If we played like that, there'd be no problem in the evening's league fixture. Dan, Tom and Richard had confirmed that they'd be playing on facebook but Jamie was reporting in with a note from the physio to tell me he'd got a severe case of Other Commitments. A text from Nick said he'd be about as well. This left Manny to contact, but as usual his phone was off and he was lying in a pool of alcohol somewhere. Eventually he got in contact so we were six players to the good.

Before the match Tom and I invested in new boots, purchases that would be sure to consolidate the skill missing from the previous fixture. But this was a league fixture, no mere friendly! Apparently the team we were playing against had come somewhere near the bottom of the division the previous season, so we were definitely in for an easier ride.

The match kicked off with Manny nursing his hangover on the bench, Dan and myself in defence, Richard in goal, and Nick and Tom in midfield. Who needs forwards? Shockingly we held off for about three minutes before going 1-0 down, as a massive bloke in a Liverpool shirt powered a shot in past the hapless Richard, who flapped at it like a moth against the libidinous light of abstract expressionism in the mid-20th century. (Simile stolen from http://www.artslant.com/par/articles/show/16742?print=1 because it seems to make no sense at all, much like the fact that we bother fielding a team.) Still, all was not lost as we equalised after a nice team goal involving everyone running forward hopefully, with Nick applying the finishing touch. What this told us was that their keeper wasn't very good, as he really should have saved it.

The match continued, and after about ten minutes we were only 4-2 down (Dan grabbed the second goal, I think). We brought Manny on and conceded again. Correlation doesn't imply causation, though, so we'll let him off. They subbed off their best player for a shorter, stockier guy and we pulled back a few goals before half time to go in at the break at 9-5.

This match was very different. It was possible for us to win if we cut out the silly errors, like committing everyone forward every time our keeper had the ball, or not communicating with each other at all. We'd already equalised our all time scoring record and we hadn't conceded nineteen quite yet. The aim was now to limit damage and hopefully grab enough goals back to get a draw, or at least a loss that wasn't horribly embarrassing. Some banter ensued with the other team who told us how awful they were and that the league was considerably easier this year because the top teams had all been shoved up a division. Nice blokes.

The second half kicked off with Tom off the field having a breather, but our plan of not letting in stupid goals sort of fell apart as we let in four more instantly, only scoring once in the process. They were really dreadful goals, all of them coming about as a result of a cross to a man by himself in the middle of the area. Nick scored a penalty though, given for some completely unfathomable reason. The keeper should have saved it. God knows what he was thinking. After a while I took a break and stood at the sidelines shouting meaningless diatribe at our players vaguely hoping that it'd inspire someone to do something. It did, and we got a further two goals back, meaning the deficit was only 13-8. I came back on, missed two easy shots, gave away a penalty, and laid their best finisher off for an easy goal. 15-8. Things didn't get much better and we were tired. Dan, Richard and I were all bleeding. I gave away a few more free kicks for being needlessly aggressive, but we didn't concede from them due to a wonderful double save from our goalie.

Dan and Tom got a goal each towards the end but we also gave away three more silly ones. Still, 18-10 is a vast improvement on last week and we mustn't be too hard on ourselves. We'd scored ten, let in less than twenty, and only given away a singular penalty.

Match ratings:

Dan: good in attack, set up more goals than anyone else, and constantly put players through. Scored twice, and gets a solid 7/10.

Manny: You could tell he was hungover, as even when something went right he looked shocked. 4/10.

Me: Pretty awful, although I'm going to give myself a 5/10 so that I'm not the worst on the pitch. To justify that, I held the ball up and won a fair few tackles.

Nick: Best on the pitch for the second week in a row. Scored six, blocked a lot at the back and was generally all over the place. 8/10.

Richard: Fairly solid considering he had no gloves and had also been out drinking the night before. Pulled off some saves but also made the odd howler. 5/10.

Tom: Decent in attack, good vision for passes and also scored a couple. 6/10.

We're almost certainly bottom of the league, but someone might have lost by more than eight, I suppose. We can hope. Training sessions will commence on Wednesday, and a lot of practice is needed tracking runs and not running backwards at the speed of continental drift.

New recruits

Two days on from our exciting debut and we've changed the team around a little bit. Having publicised the 40-5 defeat to FC Gyro, I didn't expect many people to be queueing to sign a contract with us, but a combination of that and players who weren't around at the weekend has led to Dynamo finding three new team members.

Introducing...

Daniel, Jamie's brother. I'm not that sure whether he's interested but Jamie says he'll get him along. Could be alright. Male, human. Fits the bill. He could be called Jonathan. I'm just not sure.

Tom, goes to Manc Uni, seemed pretty devastated on hearing the news that we'd lost by thirty five goals in the opening match. He was in Nottingham the weekend just gone but is going to be about this time for sure, apparently.

Dan, a Manchester City supporting mate. I reckon he's sensed an opportunity to get some first team football upon hearing the news about the Gyro game.

Sadly our first ever training session has had to be cancelled as Jamie can't make it for whatever reason, Manny is off to Preston to have his retainers taken out and I'll be getting pissed. We're considering rescheduling for Saturdays, but I'd have to pass that by the other guys first.

Finally, there's a facebook fanpage for the team. Got to be worth a like. Here you go: http://www.facebook.com/pages/FC-Dynamo-Diabolical/155344257832156?ref=ts

There will be another update soon, perhaps before our next match, probably afterwards.

Dynamo Diabolical 5-40 FC Gyro

Our opening match was a friendly against the top division champions. We didn't actually know they were the top division champions until after the game, although we could probably have worked it out after going 6-1 down inside four minutes.

Before I get into the match report, I should explain that we did manage to field a full team of five players, making the scoreline even worse. Jamie got back to me, stating his desire to play, and it turned out Manny wasn't hungover in Wales, merely that his phone had been out of battery. My worries over, the five of us made our way to the sports centre. We arrived nice and early, paid the entry fee, then sat about on the pitch waiting for the other team and the referee, doing nothing at all as we didn't have a ball.

Eventually the other team turned up ten minutes late, but they weren't penalised as the ref rolled up at 19:12, and didn't know that we should have been awarded a 10-0 win by default. We should really have pushed for that in hindsight, even if it would have been completely against the spirit of the game...

The game kicked off! Manny in goal, Richard in defence, Nick and I forming a loose midfield jumble and Jamie up front. Thirty seconds later we were 1-0 down as a bloke in a Juventus shirt smacked one past Manny. But then we equalised! Nick hit a left footed shot into the far corner. It was 1-1 and we sensed that we might not be the total underdogs we expected to be. But very soon it was 6-1 and everyone on their team bar their keeper had scored. We switched keeper to Nick and promptly conceded about five more, as he wasn't outfield to keep possession. At half time it was 19-1 to FC Gyro and the referee asked me, as captain, whether we wanted to continue. Of course we did! By now we'd all had a stint in goal and let in at least three goals each. Twenty five minutes left to play and the aim was to score again and not concede fifty.

Bang bang bang, and it was 22-1. But then Nick struck again, before missing a penalty. There may yet be hope! All we had do was score twenty one times. Easy. Sadly we went about 26-2 down before I hit a third through the keeper's legs, off the far post, and in. I'd been aiming for the near post, but never mind. 26-3 was a vast improvement on the first half. Ten minutes gone and we were only losing this half 7-2.

But we soon went 33-3 down... then Nick hit in a lovely goal, straight from centre whilst their keeper was doing his shoelaces up! Their team berated him as seconds before he'd said 'right lads, just concentrate and we can get the record'. The record, I wondered? Had they scored this many goals before? Oh, well, maybe we won't allow that to happen. Perhaps there is a team here worse than us. Can we play against them? That would be lovely. Soon it was 36-4. Jamie bobbled a goal in off their guy's shin, and they scored four more, before the referee blew early and told them they'd broken the all-time record score for the sports centre five a side leagues. Damn. Oh well. We'd scored five times. That's got to count for something, surely?

I shook all their hands, smiled and said it had been a good match and headed inside. There was another top division team there, clearly rivals of FC Gyro, who boasted of their success. Incredulous, this other team asked what kind of idiots they'd been playing against. "That'd be us!" "Are you a new team?" "Yeah." "Well... er... that's okay then." After listening to the rest of their chat it turned out that they FC Gyro were the champions and had held the other team to two draws before beating them the previous season. Why on earth was our first ever five a side match against this team?! Hopefully we'll be put into the worst division for when the league starts next week.

Rather than conceding fewer than eight goals, our aim will be to let in fewer than 200 over the course of the season, and score more than twenty. I think that's about right.

Forming Dynamo Diabolical.

The idea of this five a side team started off in a mate's house, as a hazy lightbulb appeared above my head in a drunken blur. What could possibly be more fun that playing an entire season in a five a side league?! Somehow I still remembered the plan in the morning...

I called a few mates who I knew would be interested and they all said they weren't interested. The next step was to advertise the team on facebook and pretend I had more players than just myself already signed up. I managed to rope in a flatmate from last year, some dude off the internet, and a good friend from my course. The final team member proved more difficult. I asked around a bit, but discovered that most people don't like physical exertion.

Eventually Liz agreed to play, so I rang up and registered the team in a league. They'd ring me back a few weeks later, two days before the opening game (today) to tell me were in, but that it was men only, as apparently FA regulations stipulate that you can't have a mixed team down at the local sports centre's five a side Sunday league... Hmm.

I needed to find a player, so I contacted a guy I know, again from the internet. His qualifications for the position involve being male, human and liking football. This is good enough. I rang back to confirm our team and came up with a team name - we are Dynamo Diabolical FC.

However, I've just discovered that our striker is uncontactable and our goalkeeper is hungover and possibly in Wales. We're currently trying to get people involved for a match that begins in five hours time.

I reckon we may be lucky not to play and therefore record a 3-0 loss by default. Otherwise god knows how bad it may be... I'll post a match report later, along with details of the final team members!

At the moment we are:

Michael (me, captain - self-appointed, probably a centre-back or midfielder).

Richard (ex-housemate, dunno his position).

Manny (possibly hungover in Wales, goalkeeper).

Nick (University Challenge semi-finalist, supports Burnley, dunno his position).

Jamie (internet geezer, absolutely no idea where he is, striker).

Jamie and Manny are doubtful.